It is one of those days when I have felt immensely physically and emotionally drained. My body aches from coughing and my mind aches from too much thinking. Despite the exhaustion, I feel a sense of inner peace, more than a sliver of serenity coursing through my veins. The more I think and the more I allow myself to feel, the more aware I become of myself and what drives my behaviors. Realization is painful but also wonderful. There is freedom in awareness, hope embedded within the realization that my past does not determine my future, but only influences it as I allow it. I get to choose how I live my life and and that choice is balanced by my faith that there is a greater meaning and design for my life...I am simply walking a journey that has already been laid out for me.
I am sitting here alone and I am happy in my solitude tonight. And I am happy that I am happy. There was a time not too long ago when too much solitude invoked fear...perhaps fear that I would eventually be forced to face my true self and fear that I might not like what I saw. I am facing myself now, gradually more each day, and there are many ugly reflections. It is hard to look at yourself and see ugliness. But, as I am beginning to realize, it is much harder in the long term to not look. Not looking means continuing to hide behind masks. It means repeating the past instead of learning from it. It means walking through life blinded, because we choose blindness over sight. That is not the choice I am making now...I choose to see...the good, the bad, and the hideously ugly.
Self-discovery and growth is a lifelong process. I am nowhere near reaching a destination because I don't believe there is a destination. But I'm walking along the path and that is what matters. I am committed to putting one foot in front of the other, removing the masks, choosing sight, and taking the necessary steps along this journey.
No more blindness...
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
onward bound...
I was amazed to realize that it's been nearly 2 months since my last post. Of course life has been busy, as it typically is. There have been plenty of good moments and bad ones. Nevertheless, the time has passed so quickly that I only realized my lapse in writing when it was brought to my attention (indirectly) by two separate people this weekend. I love writing...I love the cathartic experience of allowing the swirl of emotions inside to be freed, transforming into words on paper or a blank screen. I love it...and so why have I once again let it fall to the wayside? I refuse to offer excuses now. Too much of my life, as I am realizing these days, has involved excuses I make to others, and more importantly, to myself. So there will be no excuses today. I will let myself feel the emotions as they arise, and be truthful in exploring the reasons why I have not written for 2 months.
The truth is that these past 2 months have been some of the most painful, confusing, and also exhilirating and wonderful, months of my life. After my return to the beautiful and sweltering South, I began a new job with a new title, and thus a new piece of this journey that I started more than a decade ago. It is an amazing feeling to be called doctor...not because it puts me in a position of power (though I'm sure there is at least a small appeal in that also), but because this is a dream I've worked towards for so long and at least have achieved. But with this new job and this new title, a whole new lifestyle has been opened as well. My life no longer revolves around classes and studying and research. And while that it is relief in many respects, it is also a bit frightening. The only way of being in this world that I've ever truly known has changed so dramatically. Thankfully, my job now keeps me busy writing reports. I still have deadlines and licensure requirements to be met, and there is a comfort in knowing that the journey is still continuing each day. In the midst of the transitions inherent in this process, my personal life has been on a roller-coaster ride of transformation as well. I've gone from a place of unhappily married to separated to now waiting for my divorce to be finalized. And the emotions that have arisen (and continue to arise) during this process are complicated and confusing and frightening, but also exciting and tinged with hope. This is an area I am exploring thoroughly within myself these days, as well as in therapy. For the first time in my life, I feel ready to face whatever demons lie within, to reveal the ugliness beneath the everyday masks, and to bust my ass in order to move onward on my journey of self-discovery and growth.
There are a million other words aching to be put out into the world, on paper or this screen. In time, those words will come. For now, I am working on balance...between desires and responsibilities, between a healthy personal self and a healthy professional self, between all the polarities fighting for power within me. And so on that note of balance, my morning writing time has come to an end...it is time for work. I will return here, and soon...the best way I can describe my place in this world at the moment is: onward bound...
The truth is that these past 2 months have been some of the most painful, confusing, and also exhilirating and wonderful, months of my life. After my return to the beautiful and sweltering South, I began a new job with a new title, and thus a new piece of this journey that I started more than a decade ago. It is an amazing feeling to be called doctor...not because it puts me in a position of power (though I'm sure there is at least a small appeal in that also), but because this is a dream I've worked towards for so long and at least have achieved. But with this new job and this new title, a whole new lifestyle has been opened as well. My life no longer revolves around classes and studying and research. And while that it is relief in many respects, it is also a bit frightening. The only way of being in this world that I've ever truly known has changed so dramatically. Thankfully, my job now keeps me busy writing reports. I still have deadlines and licensure requirements to be met, and there is a comfort in knowing that the journey is still continuing each day. In the midst of the transitions inherent in this process, my personal life has been on a roller-coaster ride of transformation as well. I've gone from a place of unhappily married to separated to now waiting for my divorce to be finalized. And the emotions that have arisen (and continue to arise) during this process are complicated and confusing and frightening, but also exciting and tinged with hope. This is an area I am exploring thoroughly within myself these days, as well as in therapy. For the first time in my life, I feel ready to face whatever demons lie within, to reveal the ugliness beneath the everyday masks, and to bust my ass in order to move onward on my journey of self-discovery and growth.
There are a million other words aching to be put out into the world, on paper or this screen. In time, those words will come. For now, I am working on balance...between desires and responsibilities, between a healthy personal self and a healthy professional self, between all the polarities fighting for power within me. And so on that note of balance, my morning writing time has come to an end...it is time for work. I will return here, and soon...the best way I can describe my place in this world at the moment is: onward bound...
Saturday, July 31, 2010
letters to myself...#2
Dear TD -
So apparently the drama does not end with increasing age. It continues to amaze me how much ridiculous bs people engage in through their 30's. What is it about such drama that keeps people detached from honesty? Is it simply the thrill of the unexpected, the novelty of new experiences, the rush of doing something one shouldn't be doing? Or is it simply that people just don't care enough anymore to be honest, with themselves or with other people?
It all makes me wonder how many people out there are truly living honest lives and how many are living one side of life wearing masks and pretending to be someone they are not. Obviously, it raises the issue of trust.
Trust has always been an issue for me. There was a time when I trusted others far too easily and far too quickly. It is inherently in my nature to believe the best about people, to trust that everyone has a good heart and that goodness lies somewhere within us all. The past decade has threatened my beliefs time and time again. And yet still I struggle: to trust or not to trust. Life can't be fully lived and enjoyed without trusting others and yet there is always a fine line that exists between protecting myself and opening myself up to others.
There have been times when I have felt that trust is simply impossible. During these times, I typically close myself off from others. I build barriers around my heart and remain detached, all in an attempt at self-preservation and the hope that I will not be disappointed and hurt yet again. Cynicism taints my perspective, and I don't like losing that positive, rose-colored glasses, outlook on life. But I suppose cynicism has its advantages at times.
On that note, I'm off to have a hopefully not-so-cynical day despite my tendency to the contrary.
-TD
So apparently the drama does not end with increasing age. It continues to amaze me how much ridiculous bs people engage in through their 30's. What is it about such drama that keeps people detached from honesty? Is it simply the thrill of the unexpected, the novelty of new experiences, the rush of doing something one shouldn't be doing? Or is it simply that people just don't care enough anymore to be honest, with themselves or with other people?
It all makes me wonder how many people out there are truly living honest lives and how many are living one side of life wearing masks and pretending to be someone they are not. Obviously, it raises the issue of trust.
Trust has always been an issue for me. There was a time when I trusted others far too easily and far too quickly. It is inherently in my nature to believe the best about people, to trust that everyone has a good heart and that goodness lies somewhere within us all. The past decade has threatened my beliefs time and time again. And yet still I struggle: to trust or not to trust. Life can't be fully lived and enjoyed without trusting others and yet there is always a fine line that exists between protecting myself and opening myself up to others.
There have been times when I have felt that trust is simply impossible. During these times, I typically close myself off from others. I build barriers around my heart and remain detached, all in an attempt at self-preservation and the hope that I will not be disappointed and hurt yet again. Cynicism taints my perspective, and I don't like losing that positive, rose-colored glasses, outlook on life. But I suppose cynicism has its advantages at times.
On that note, I'm off to have a hopefully not-so-cynical day despite my tendency to the contrary.
-TD
Friday, July 30, 2010
letters to myself...#1
So I've decided to start writing letters to myself. Strange as it may seem, I've always found that writing actual letters is one of the best ways to get to know people. Since I am now in such a huge transitional phase of self-discovery, I figure that writing letters to myself just might help me learn more about who I am, what I want, and where I'm going. So, here goes...
Dear TD,
I'm sitting in my bent wood rocking chair on the front porch of the new house as I write this. The night is quiet and serene, the silence broken only by the sound of the train as it blows its whistle and creeps along darkened tracks. I love the sound of that train. It reminds me of a time and place long ago, a time and place I have never known, but can imagine so vividly.
I feel a strange mixture of loneliness and comfort tonight. I am not accustomed to being alone, at least not for extended periods of time. And yet there is some simple, acute pleasure experienced in my aloneness. I feel comforted by words of love and support from my best friend and my heart aches with missing her. Especially on days like today, I miss the times when we could just cuddle up in bed together and talk about life and love, heartbreak and misery. But despite the miles between us now, her words still bring comfort and my heart is full with love for her. And being alone right now is good for me; I know this. I can feel it deep inside me, beneath the sadness, this sense of knowing that being alone right now is what I need. Nevertheless, there is sadness as well. And confusion. And doubt. Life is certainly not simple, and tonight is a reminder of that.
If I allow myself, I can get completely caught up in the stress and worries running through my mind. There are so many thoughts competing with one another, anxiety tinging each one. But tonight I do not have the energy for worrying. I am choosing not to worry tonight. I am choosing instead to read, write, watch a movie, and take a warm bath . I am choosing to (hopefully) good a long, full night of sleep, to awaken early tomorrow and enjoy a long day open with possibilities. I am choosing to listen to myself right now, to what I need, to what I want, and to do my best to honor what I hear from within.
I am not without pain tonight and pain is never easy. The pain is both physical and emotional and for once I am not struggling to fight against the pain, but just trying to comfort myself in the midst of it. I have no idea if this concept of dealing with pain will be helpful at all, but I figure it is worth the attempt. My usual tactics of either fighting the pain or succumbing to it, rather than just allowing it to be, typically do not work...might as well try something different.
After all, in this process of self-discovery right now, I should probably be open and willing to try a lot of different things. How else can I expect to grow?
I am done with words for tonight, or at least for this moment. A warm bath awaits me.
-TD
Dear TD,
I'm sitting in my bent wood rocking chair on the front porch of the new house as I write this. The night is quiet and serene, the silence broken only by the sound of the train as it blows its whistle and creeps along darkened tracks. I love the sound of that train. It reminds me of a time and place long ago, a time and place I have never known, but can imagine so vividly.
I feel a strange mixture of loneliness and comfort tonight. I am not accustomed to being alone, at least not for extended periods of time. And yet there is some simple, acute pleasure experienced in my aloneness. I feel comforted by words of love and support from my best friend and my heart aches with missing her. Especially on days like today, I miss the times when we could just cuddle up in bed together and talk about life and love, heartbreak and misery. But despite the miles between us now, her words still bring comfort and my heart is full with love for her. And being alone right now is good for me; I know this. I can feel it deep inside me, beneath the sadness, this sense of knowing that being alone right now is what I need. Nevertheless, there is sadness as well. And confusion. And doubt. Life is certainly not simple, and tonight is a reminder of that.
If I allow myself, I can get completely caught up in the stress and worries running through my mind. There are so many thoughts competing with one another, anxiety tinging each one. But tonight I do not have the energy for worrying. I am choosing not to worry tonight. I am choosing instead to read, write, watch a movie, and take a warm bath . I am choosing to (hopefully) good a long, full night of sleep, to awaken early tomorrow and enjoy a long day open with possibilities. I am choosing to listen to myself right now, to what I need, to what I want, and to do my best to honor what I hear from within.
I am not without pain tonight and pain is never easy. The pain is both physical and emotional and for once I am not struggling to fight against the pain, but just trying to comfort myself in the midst of it. I have no idea if this concept of dealing with pain will be helpful at all, but I figure it is worth the attempt. My usual tactics of either fighting the pain or succumbing to it, rather than just allowing it to be, typically do not work...might as well try something different.
After all, in this process of self-discovery right now, I should probably be open and willing to try a lot of different things. How else can I expect to grow?
I am done with words for tonight, or at least for this moment. A warm bath awaits me.
-TD
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
the experience of passion...
Passion is so often overlooked these days. People tend to walk through their daily lives, rarely stopping to actually embrace the feelings that accompany each step. Life becomes a series of rotely memorized steps, tinged by either discontent or complacency. In either case, exploration of oneself and the world is a scarcity. And sadly, most people believe that their lives are fulfilling when in actuality I believe far too many people live behind masks of denial.
There was a time when I asked nearly every new friend or romantic interest one question that I deemed the most important: What are you passionate about? Sometimes the responses were enlightening and inspiring. Other times I recognized feelings of disappointment accompanying others' responses. But the one response I could never understand was the blank stare followed by a mumbled "I don't know."
Of course my thoughts and feelings on this matter are strictly my own; my perspective is neither right or wrong, good or bad. And yet I have always felt a deep sadness when someone was unable to identify any particular passion within. I could never understand how anyone could actively live life with no passions. In my mind, passion is what drives me each day. It is what ultimately gets me out of bed each morning. It is what made me continue on a 10-year journey to become a doctor. It is the reason I have an entire library of books in my house and a yarn collection that overflows from multiple shelves. It is because of the passion I have that I am able to feel the comforting warmth of snuggling up with my pup Dakota. When I stand at the edge of the ocean or get lost in the sight of a mountain range on the horizon or feel the arid, empty space of the desert surrounding me, I overflow with passion. Beautiful words, music, art...any form of creation...it all ignites the passion within me and in that passion, I find purpose and meaning and desire.
And then of course there is passion experienced with another person. Intense and raw, deep and binding, such passion has the capacity to reign you in and encapsulate you. It is this passion that I miss so greatly right now. I know that this passion is possible, and yet I believe it is only truly possible when each person possesses their own passion. It is the intermingling of two people, and their own passions, that is the foundation for experiencing such passion together. I crave that experience of sharing such passion with another person right now. Regardless of the nature of the individual passions, I believe it is the pure experience of merely having that passion that allows for shared passionate experiences.
It is time for me to embrace the passion that lies within my own spirit now, to allow it to reign me in and encapsulate me. Perhaps one day soon, I may find myself in a moment where that passion is not mine alone.
There was a time when I asked nearly every new friend or romantic interest one question that I deemed the most important: What are you passionate about? Sometimes the responses were enlightening and inspiring. Other times I recognized feelings of disappointment accompanying others' responses. But the one response I could never understand was the blank stare followed by a mumbled "I don't know."
Of course my thoughts and feelings on this matter are strictly my own; my perspective is neither right or wrong, good or bad. And yet I have always felt a deep sadness when someone was unable to identify any particular passion within. I could never understand how anyone could actively live life with no passions. In my mind, passion is what drives me each day. It is what ultimately gets me out of bed each morning. It is what made me continue on a 10-year journey to become a doctor. It is the reason I have an entire library of books in my house and a yarn collection that overflows from multiple shelves. It is because of the passion I have that I am able to feel the comforting warmth of snuggling up with my pup Dakota. When I stand at the edge of the ocean or get lost in the sight of a mountain range on the horizon or feel the arid, empty space of the desert surrounding me, I overflow with passion. Beautiful words, music, art...any form of creation...it all ignites the passion within me and in that passion, I find purpose and meaning and desire.
And then of course there is passion experienced with another person. Intense and raw, deep and binding, such passion has the capacity to reign you in and encapsulate you. It is this passion that I miss so greatly right now. I know that this passion is possible, and yet I believe it is only truly possible when each person possesses their own passion. It is the intermingling of two people, and their own passions, that is the foundation for experiencing such passion together. I crave that experience of sharing such passion with another person right now. Regardless of the nature of the individual passions, I believe it is the pure experience of merely having that passion that allows for shared passionate experiences.
It is time for me to embrace the passion that lies within my own spirit now, to allow it to reign me in and encapsulate me. Perhaps one day soon, I may find myself in a moment where that passion is not mine alone.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
under a full moon...
The moon is full tonight...a glowing orb of brilliant milky white in a clear sky. The air is warm, but the sweltering heat of the past few days has dissipated for the moment, and I remember why I love summer nights in the South. The crickets are still singing their nighttime melody, but Nature's music is quiet and calm...like the night itself.
I gaze up at the moon and I am taken back to a night long ago. On another summer night, beneath a full moon, I danced barefoot to soulful music and embraced the magic of a place even further South, a place so close to home. The air was sticky and hot that night, far beyond warm, and bare skin glistened in the sultry humidity. Fireflies flickered iridescent, their flights etching patterns of color amidst the backdrop of old oak trees and tall, gently waving pines. The musky scent of marshland and the distant salt from the ocean infused my senses, and the night began with Mother Nature as my closest companion. Moments passed but I had no sense of time. Lost in a dreamworld, words flowed from somewhere deep within me...pen upon paper, words transformed time, and then time leapt forward and my words were silenced for a while. Seduction lurked in the shadows, primal instincts urging me out of my head and into a raw, visceral experience. Beneath a painted sky of indigo and black, I was no longer alone. First the outline of masculine angles, then the rugged beauty of his face emerged from the darkness...a face of familiarity and comfort. The night needed no words then and instinctually I knew everything I needed that night and nothing more. The beauty of a milky full moon, Mother Nature, a rugged face, and dancing barefoot on a Southern summer night.
I am far removed from that night now and yet this moon and this night intoxicate me in quite the same way. I ache to dance barefoot, to see the fireflies create abstract art against the canvas of the air. I long for the words to overflow and the scent of the earth to breathe exultant life back into me with each inhalation. I still feel that same freedom in my soul, but I wonder if I still have the courage to embrace it.
I gaze up at the moon and I am taken back to a night long ago. On another summer night, beneath a full moon, I danced barefoot to soulful music and embraced the magic of a place even further South, a place so close to home. The air was sticky and hot that night, far beyond warm, and bare skin glistened in the sultry humidity. Fireflies flickered iridescent, their flights etching patterns of color amidst the backdrop of old oak trees and tall, gently waving pines. The musky scent of marshland and the distant salt from the ocean infused my senses, and the night began with Mother Nature as my closest companion. Moments passed but I had no sense of time. Lost in a dreamworld, words flowed from somewhere deep within me...pen upon paper, words transformed time, and then time leapt forward and my words were silenced for a while. Seduction lurked in the shadows, primal instincts urging me out of my head and into a raw, visceral experience. Beneath a painted sky of indigo and black, I was no longer alone. First the outline of masculine angles, then the rugged beauty of his face emerged from the darkness...a face of familiarity and comfort. The night needed no words then and instinctually I knew everything I needed that night and nothing more. The beauty of a milky full moon, Mother Nature, a rugged face, and dancing barefoot on a Southern summer night.
I am far removed from that night now and yet this moon and this night intoxicate me in quite the same way. I ache to dance barefoot, to see the fireflies create abstract art against the canvas of the air. I long for the words to overflow and the scent of the earth to breathe exultant life back into me with each inhalation. I still feel that same freedom in my soul, but I wonder if I still have the courage to embrace it.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
hey soul sister...
So it's not my all-time favorite song, and yet I seem to be addicted to the lyrics...they remind me of long drives down 76 in Ohio, a dear friend who breathed life into me amidst those cornfields and snowdrifts of isolation, and another precious friend who's lived in my soul, offering soul sustenance for more than a decade now.
"...your sweet moonbeam
the smell of you in every
single dream I dream
I knew when we collided
You're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind...
...just in time
I'm so glad you have
A one track mind like me
You gave my life direction...
...you see, I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you'll be with me..."
It's not a love song to me, or at least not in the traditional sense...and yet it is words of love because it is these two friends that, in essence, saved me at two separate times in my life. It is these two people who accepted me completely for who I am, who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself, who offered me a world of possibilities and hope through what I have come to call "soul connections."
When the world turns dark, when the mysteries inside feel too heavy to carry alone, I live in dreams...and those dreams hold the image and scent, taste and touch, of D and P...sweet moonbeams that make me feel alive and rejuvenated.
"...your sweet moonbeam
the smell of you in every
single dream I dream
I knew when we collided
You're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind...
...just in time
I'm so glad you have
A one track mind like me
You gave my life direction...
...you see, I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you'll be with me..."
It's not a love song to me, or at least not in the traditional sense...and yet it is words of love because it is these two friends that, in essence, saved me at two separate times in my life. It is these two people who accepted me completely for who I am, who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself, who offered me a world of possibilities and hope through what I have come to call "soul connections."
When the world turns dark, when the mysteries inside feel too heavy to carry alone, I live in dreams...and those dreams hold the image and scent, taste and touch, of D and P...sweet moonbeams that make me feel alive and rejuvenated.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
living a mystery...
Life itself is a mystery...I know this. I know that the future is uncertain, that change is the only constant in life, that the moments of tomorrow can never be known. It is not the overall mystery of life itself that weighs upon me these days, but the smaller mysteries...the private ones that no one else witnesses. It is the mysteries of myself that spin me round and round in their web of complexity until I have no concept of the direction I was once headed.
My mind is filled with questions and no answers. A million paths are open to me, as they are to all of us at any given moment. And yet despite all the possibilities, I do not feel free to walk my own path these days. I do not even know what path I want to walk or the steps I might enjoy taking along the journey. All I know in this moment is that I feel trapped, stuck, at an impasse...and I cannot help but wonder where to go from here.
In essence, I feel as though I'm living a mystery...and there are no answers.
My mind is filled with questions and no answers. A million paths are open to me, as they are to all of us at any given moment. And yet despite all the possibilities, I do not feel free to walk my own path these days. I do not even know what path I want to walk or the steps I might enjoy taking along the journey. All I know in this moment is that I feel trapped, stuck, at an impasse...and I cannot help but wonder where to go from here.
In essence, I feel as though I'm living a mystery...and there are no answers.
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