It is one of those days when I have felt immensely physically and emotionally drained. My body aches from coughing and my mind aches from too much thinking. Despite the exhaustion, I feel a sense of inner peace, more than a sliver of serenity coursing through my veins. The more I think and the more I allow myself to feel, the more aware I become of myself and what drives my behaviors. Realization is painful but also wonderful. There is freedom in awareness, hope embedded within the realization that my past does not determine my future, but only influences it as I allow it. I get to choose how I live my life and and that choice is balanced by my faith that there is a greater meaning and design for my life...I am simply walking a journey that has already been laid out for me.
I am sitting here alone and I am happy in my solitude tonight. And I am happy that I am happy. There was a time not too long ago when too much solitude invoked fear...perhaps fear that I would eventually be forced to face my true self and fear that I might not like what I saw. I am facing myself now, gradually more each day, and there are many ugly reflections. It is hard to look at yourself and see ugliness. But, as I am beginning to realize, it is much harder in the long term to not look. Not looking means continuing to hide behind masks. It means repeating the past instead of learning from it. It means walking through life blinded, because we choose blindness over sight. That is not the choice I am making now...I choose to see...the good, the bad, and the hideously ugly.
Self-discovery and growth is a lifelong process. I am nowhere near reaching a destination because I don't believe there is a destination. But I'm walking along the path and that is what matters. I am committed to putting one foot in front of the other, removing the masks, choosing sight, and taking the necessary steps along this journey.
No more blindness...
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
onward bound...
I was amazed to realize that it's been nearly 2 months since my last post. Of course life has been busy, as it typically is. There have been plenty of good moments and bad ones. Nevertheless, the time has passed so quickly that I only realized my lapse in writing when it was brought to my attention (indirectly) by two separate people this weekend. I love writing...I love the cathartic experience of allowing the swirl of emotions inside to be freed, transforming into words on paper or a blank screen. I love it...and so why have I once again let it fall to the wayside? I refuse to offer excuses now. Too much of my life, as I am realizing these days, has involved excuses I make to others, and more importantly, to myself. So there will be no excuses today. I will let myself feel the emotions as they arise, and be truthful in exploring the reasons why I have not written for 2 months.
The truth is that these past 2 months have been some of the most painful, confusing, and also exhilirating and wonderful, months of my life. After my return to the beautiful and sweltering South, I began a new job with a new title, and thus a new piece of this journey that I started more than a decade ago. It is an amazing feeling to be called doctor...not because it puts me in a position of power (though I'm sure there is at least a small appeal in that also), but because this is a dream I've worked towards for so long and at least have achieved. But with this new job and this new title, a whole new lifestyle has been opened as well. My life no longer revolves around classes and studying and research. And while that it is relief in many respects, it is also a bit frightening. The only way of being in this world that I've ever truly known has changed so dramatically. Thankfully, my job now keeps me busy writing reports. I still have deadlines and licensure requirements to be met, and there is a comfort in knowing that the journey is still continuing each day. In the midst of the transitions inherent in this process, my personal life has been on a roller-coaster ride of transformation as well. I've gone from a place of unhappily married to separated to now waiting for my divorce to be finalized. And the emotions that have arisen (and continue to arise) during this process are complicated and confusing and frightening, but also exciting and tinged with hope. This is an area I am exploring thoroughly within myself these days, as well as in therapy. For the first time in my life, I feel ready to face whatever demons lie within, to reveal the ugliness beneath the everyday masks, and to bust my ass in order to move onward on my journey of self-discovery and growth.
There are a million other words aching to be put out into the world, on paper or this screen. In time, those words will come. For now, I am working on balance...between desires and responsibilities, between a healthy personal self and a healthy professional self, between all the polarities fighting for power within me. And so on that note of balance, my morning writing time has come to an end...it is time for work. I will return here, and soon...the best way I can describe my place in this world at the moment is: onward bound...
The truth is that these past 2 months have been some of the most painful, confusing, and also exhilirating and wonderful, months of my life. After my return to the beautiful and sweltering South, I began a new job with a new title, and thus a new piece of this journey that I started more than a decade ago. It is an amazing feeling to be called doctor...not because it puts me in a position of power (though I'm sure there is at least a small appeal in that also), but because this is a dream I've worked towards for so long and at least have achieved. But with this new job and this new title, a whole new lifestyle has been opened as well. My life no longer revolves around classes and studying and research. And while that it is relief in many respects, it is also a bit frightening. The only way of being in this world that I've ever truly known has changed so dramatically. Thankfully, my job now keeps me busy writing reports. I still have deadlines and licensure requirements to be met, and there is a comfort in knowing that the journey is still continuing each day. In the midst of the transitions inherent in this process, my personal life has been on a roller-coaster ride of transformation as well. I've gone from a place of unhappily married to separated to now waiting for my divorce to be finalized. And the emotions that have arisen (and continue to arise) during this process are complicated and confusing and frightening, but also exciting and tinged with hope. This is an area I am exploring thoroughly within myself these days, as well as in therapy. For the first time in my life, I feel ready to face whatever demons lie within, to reveal the ugliness beneath the everyday masks, and to bust my ass in order to move onward on my journey of self-discovery and growth.
There are a million other words aching to be put out into the world, on paper or this screen. In time, those words will come. For now, I am working on balance...between desires and responsibilities, between a healthy personal self and a healthy professional self, between all the polarities fighting for power within me. And so on that note of balance, my morning writing time has come to an end...it is time for work. I will return here, and soon...the best way I can describe my place in this world at the moment is: onward bound...
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