It is one of those days when I have felt immensely physically and emotionally drained. My body aches from coughing and my mind aches from too much thinking. Despite the exhaustion, I feel a sense of inner peace, more than a sliver of serenity coursing through my veins. The more I think and the more I allow myself to feel, the more aware I become of myself and what drives my behaviors. Realization is painful but also wonderful. There is freedom in awareness, hope embedded within the realization that my past does not determine my future, but only influences it as I allow it. I get to choose how I live my life and and that choice is balanced by my faith that there is a greater meaning and design for my life...I am simply walking a journey that has already been laid out for me.
I am sitting here alone and I am happy in my solitude tonight. And I am happy that I am happy. There was a time not too long ago when too much solitude invoked fear...perhaps fear that I would eventually be forced to face my true self and fear that I might not like what I saw. I am facing myself now, gradually more each day, and there are many ugly reflections. It is hard to look at yourself and see ugliness. But, as I am beginning to realize, it is much harder in the long term to not look. Not looking means continuing to hide behind masks. It means repeating the past instead of learning from it. It means walking through life blinded, because we choose blindness over sight. That is not the choice I am making now...I choose to see...the good, the bad, and the hideously ugly.
Self-discovery and growth is a lifelong process. I am nowhere near reaching a destination because I don't believe there is a destination. But I'm walking along the path and that is what matters. I am committed to putting one foot in front of the other, removing the masks, choosing sight, and taking the necessary steps along this journey.
No more blindness...
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