I was amazed to realize that it's been nearly 2 months since my last post. Of course life has been busy, as it typically is. There have been plenty of good moments and bad ones. Nevertheless, the time has passed so quickly that I only realized my lapse in writing when it was brought to my attention (indirectly) by two separate people this weekend. I love writing...I love the cathartic experience of allowing the swirl of emotions inside to be freed, transforming into words on paper or a blank screen. I love it...and so why have I once again let it fall to the wayside? I refuse to offer excuses now. Too much of my life, as I am realizing these days, has involved excuses I make to others, and more importantly, to myself. So there will be no excuses today. I will let myself feel the emotions as they arise, and be truthful in exploring the reasons why I have not written for 2 months.
The truth is that these past 2 months have been some of the most painful, confusing, and also exhilirating and wonderful, months of my life. After my return to the beautiful and sweltering South, I began a new job with a new title, and thus a new piece of this journey that I started more than a decade ago. It is an amazing feeling to be called doctor...not because it puts me in a position of power (though I'm sure there is at least a small appeal in that also), but because this is a dream I've worked towards for so long and at least have achieved. But with this new job and this new title, a whole new lifestyle has been opened as well. My life no longer revolves around classes and studying and research. And while that it is relief in many respects, it is also a bit frightening. The only way of being in this world that I've ever truly known has changed so dramatically. Thankfully, my job now keeps me busy writing reports. I still have deadlines and licensure requirements to be met, and there is a comfort in knowing that the journey is still continuing each day. In the midst of the transitions inherent in this process, my personal life has been on a roller-coaster ride of transformation as well. I've gone from a place of unhappily married to separated to now waiting for my divorce to be finalized. And the emotions that have arisen (and continue to arise) during this process are complicated and confusing and frightening, but also exciting and tinged with hope. This is an area I am exploring thoroughly within myself these days, as well as in therapy. For the first time in my life, I feel ready to face whatever demons lie within, to reveal the ugliness beneath the everyday masks, and to bust my ass in order to move onward on my journey of self-discovery and growth.
There are a million other words aching to be put out into the world, on paper or this screen. In time, those words will come. For now, I am working on balance...between desires and responsibilities, between a healthy personal self and a healthy professional self, between all the polarities fighting for power within me. And so on that note of balance, my morning writing time has come to an end...it is time for work. I will return here, and soon...the best way I can describe my place in this world at the moment is: onward bound...
No comments:
Post a Comment