letters to myself...#1

So I've decided to start writing letters to myself. Strange as it may seem, I've always found that writing actual letters is one of the best ways to get to know people. Since I am now in such a huge transitional phase of self-discovery, I figure that writing letters to myself just might help me learn more about who I am, what I want, and where I'm going. So, here goes...

Dear TD,
I'm sitting in my bent wood rocking chair on the front porch of the new house as I write this. The night is quiet and serene, the silence broken only by the sound of the train as it blows its whistle and creeps along darkened tracks. I love the sound of that train. It reminds me of a time and place long ago, a time and place I have never known, but can imagine so vividly.
I feel a strange mixture of loneliness and comfort tonight. I am not accustomed to being alone, at least not for extended periods of time. And yet there is some simple, acute pleasure experienced in my aloneness. I feel comforted by words of love and support from my best friend and my heart aches with missing her. Especially on days like today, I miss the times when we could just cuddle up in bed together and talk about life and love, heartbreak and misery. But despite the miles between us now, her words still bring comfort and my heart is full with love for her. And being alone right now is good for me; I know this. I can feel it deep inside me, beneath the sadness, this sense of knowing that being alone right now is what I need. Nevertheless, there is sadness as well. And confusion. And doubt. Life is certainly not simple, and tonight is a reminder of that.
If I allow myself, I can get completely caught up in the stress and worries running through my mind. There are so many thoughts competing with one another, anxiety tinging each one. But tonight I do not have the energy for worrying. I am choosing not to worry tonight. I am choosing instead to read, write, watch a movie, and take a warm bath . I am choosing to (hopefully) good a long, full night of sleep, to awaken early tomorrow and enjoy a long day open with possibilities. I am choosing to listen to myself right now, to what I need, to what I want, and to do my best to honor what I hear from within.
I am not without pain tonight and pain is never easy. The pain is both physical and emotional and for once I am not struggling to fight against the pain, but just trying to comfort myself in the midst of it. I have no idea if this concept of dealing with pain will be helpful at all, but I figure it is worth the attempt. My usual tactics of either fighting the pain or succumbing to it, rather than just allowing it to be, typically do not work...might as well try something different.
After all, in this process of self-discovery right now, I should probably be open and willing to try a lot of different things. How else can I expect to grow?
I am done with words for tonight, or at least for this moment. A warm bath awaits me.
-TD